The Path out of Burnout: Part 1

I am entitling this post "Part 1" because, as of this writing, I have not yet found the path out of burnout. I have had many insights since I began writing this blog, but I have yet to put most of them into practice. I am still struggling with despair and sleeplessness, and the more I become determined to change, the harder I fall. I believe I am on the path to recovery, though, so I want to begin sharing those insights.

Over Christmas break, I remembered that I had benefited greatly from a Beth Moore Bible study a number of years ago, so I began reading another book by her. This book, Get Out of That Pit!, spoke directly to my situation, as if Beth Moore knew me personally. I saw that I had slipped into a pit of depression by trying to "fix" myself and my son, primarily to meet others' expectations, and that no human strength--my own, or a friend's--was going to pull me out. The only path out would be calling upon Jesus, my Savior and Deliverer, to "fix" the situation in His own way, on His own timetable. Vitamins, therapy programs and curriculum consultants have their place, but apart from the only One who can intervene, they are worthless. They will only disappoint when they don't meet my superhuman expectations.

I also noticed that my "pit" bears a striking resemblance to another pit I fell into about 20 years ago, before I knew Christ, when I was throwing all my energy into trying to please the God by relying on personal strength. I wanted to make a good impression as the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship co-president and to succeed as a Christian camp counselor; but I devoted so much energy to this quest for perfection that I became angry at God and, essentially, had a nervous breakdown in graduate school. I plunged into a spiral of depression, co-dependency and worse that didn't end until I realized that Jesus Christ was the answer, not myself, and got saved. I never sunk to that level again, though I feared that was happening this autumn. I remembered a woman from our former church who testified three times about her miraculous deliverance from drug abuse before returning to addiction, and I saw myself.

What does that have to do with today? Only that the quest for perfection in our own strength will always lead to burnout, and that we only find hope when we seek divine deliverance. In my current situation, I am only beginning this process.

I am still burned out. We live in a gang-ridden area, so public school is not an option. Instead, we are "coasting." I require daily work from Joe and Lydia, but I lack the energy to seek new approaches or to pursue more remedial programs (which, most likely, burned him out and contributed to his refusal to work). Joe's attitude is gradually improving, but it is not because of anything I have said or done. In fact, the "therapy" that seems to help his visual coordination and confidence most has been piano, and that only because he has an excellent relationship with his piano teacher and loves spending time with her. Most of my programs have resulted in only arguing and rebellion, yet learning from an outsider that he obviously likes has made him persist with a study that most middle school boys would find onerous.

And isn't that what home schooling is all about, at its heart--relationship?